I’ve been telling you about the diary I’ve been reading, but for the short interlude with ‘Little Carl Saving Hemley’, which wasn’t really off the topic, as it told the story of a little boy’s bravery, which is relevant to the diary I’ve been telling you about.
I’ve realized, Nehemiah whose diary I’ve been reading, must have been a very brave man.
He is well established in his career. He has a very high position in the King’s court. He is well paid. He has lots of influence.
He puts all of this on the line, risks it all, on the conviction that God wants him to do something.
I can relate to this.
I’ve also done it.
The only difference between myself and Nehemiah: he got the ‘good will’ and I did not, which raises the question inside myself “how do I know?”
How on earth do I know if what I choose is really from God?
The simple answer is, I think: “you don’t”.
Not until you step out, take the risk & see what comes of it.
Early on in his diary Nehemiah boldly declares something like this: “The God of heaven, he will prosper us; therefore we his servants will arise and build.”
Pretty sure of God’s favour.
Perhaps it would be good to notice that Nehemiah makes this bold declaration after he has stepped out. After he has received ‘good will’ from the King, even after he has arrived in Jerusalem and found favour and excitement with the people of this city.
Perhaps this is the ‘food’ for his confidence?
‘Food’ which I lack as I’ve done what Nehemiah did and did not receive the good will which he received.
I’ve said that haven’t I?
I think this is what is bothering me most, that we just cannot know if we do not try, so once again I stand at a place where I must try from my conviction and await the outcome.
I wish it was different.
I wish this God with whom I share life was slightly more forthcoming with guarantees.
Then I think of “Little Carl“, I see him going into the raging waters of a wild ocean to try to save the boy named Hemley whom he does not even know. I see him do this without consideration for the outcome. Just doing it, because he cannot help himself. He cannot stop himself.
Perhaps this is the nature of life and being.
Perhaps this is how life should be lived.
So once again I step into Nehemiah’s abandon & Little Carl’s carefreeness, perhaps not as boldly and fearless as they did, but nevertheless.
And I have faith.
Not the faith that God will grant me ‘good will’.
The faith that God will do with my effort what he wants too.
The faith that even if there is no ‘good will’ he truly is and the outcome will be the better outcome.
My neck does pain and my stomach does cramp, not every now and then, all the time.
My faith is a small one.
An existentially damaged one.
I am just grateful that there is still a remnant, for life would have been very mundane without it.
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