It has been brewing inside of me for a few days, ever since we came back from our family holiday in the Winterberg & slowly started taking on 2012.
I didn’t have a word to describe it.
It was a feeling.
An anonymous realization.
I am not entitled to God’s kindness and grace.
Not in the sense that I can claim it or demand it.
I can be grateful.
For in my forty years I have never lacked anything.
I wonder today if this has contributed to a sense of entitlement?
He has always taken care of me, us – he will do so today & tomorrow, he should, he must.
What is taken care of?
Last week I meet a man who loves God. He serves God. Trusts God.
He has a home.
A small three room home.
He has no car.
I asked him to come tend to some of our fences.
He is exceptionally good at working fences.
As we drive to his home, late in the afternoon, he confides in me: ‘That you phoned & asked me to come help you this week was answer to prayer. I just got up from my knees when the phone rang. I had just confessed to God that I have no work & no way of providing for my family in the next meal. God is good. He has always taken care of me and my family.’
He has a wife.
He has three children.
He has gratitude.
His ‘taken care of’ and my ‘taken care of’ is somewhat different.
Why, I cannot comprehend.
For I have no merit which he has not.
I have no greater claim vested in deeper service.
And so it cannot be about me.
And my comfort.
It must be about something else.
To make a difference.
To influence & enable.
Even that would be dripping with arrogance, for what have I which makes me better suited to serve from abundance?
And so, now, I get up in the morning without expectation & demand.
‘You do not owe me.’
‘I am grateful.’
‘May I be worthy, in your grace, of what has been entrusted to me.’
Aware that it could well be taken tomorrow.
As it was for Job.
And as I make my way to work I sing the words of an old Koos du Plesis song, I sing it again and again, the theme-song of this episode: what I am is only grace, what I have has been lent to me …