To be expectant might just be different from having high expectations.
Expectations carry with them a certain air of entitlement.
Waiting, not so patiently for something which is owed.
Expectancy has no demand.
It has faith.
Four times my Zuko fell pregnant.
We were expectant.
Four times our expectancy was answered.
With four beautiful children.
Our expectancy is not limited to pregnancy, although life is often pregnant, with gifts other than children.
And, just like when children are born, when our expectancy runs full term and something new and beautiful is received, the gift comes with responsibility.
To nurture and raise and bring to full maturity.
In 1990 I was expectant.
I believed to be drawn or called to something.
The expectancy came to term.
I studied for 7 years at two Universities and was ordained to be a servant.
And I served.
In 1995 I was expectant again.
I met Zuko.
And 6 months later we were married.
And 21 years later we still enjoy the gift received decades ago.
Because it was intended.
And because we were given the ability to nurtutre and grow what was born.
These two are invaluable as we expect and receive and live.
Receiving the ability to nurture what is born.
Accepting the order in which we are born, understanding that time and place and duration is not ordered by us, but determined by the One from Whom we come.
Sometimes children live to be 80.
Sometimes they die before they are 8 weeks old.
We cannot choose or determine this.
We can only take responsibility for what we receive and do our best, as we are enabled in at-one-ment with God.
If you live from at-one-ment, you will know what I am talking about.
Taking responsibility, as far as I am responsible.
Believing and trusting and accepting that Another is in control of life and being.
Sometimes expectancy is long and tedious.
Sometimes it is ‘sublime’, hidden.
An awareness that cannot be verbalised.
I remember with our little Yuan Long, our Maddi Boo, long before Zuko was pregnant, sometimes in the kitchen of our little wooden house on the not so little hill, we would be cooking or eating and our kids would bebpkaying around and under the old kitchen table and I would be overcome with a feeling that someone is missing.
“Who’s missing?”, I would ask Zuko.
“Nope, they’re all here!”, Zuko would say.
But they weren’t.
Only in 2012 did Maddi join us.
And now they’re all here.
Maybe the ‘expectancy’ is muted by unbelief?
Or lack of hope?
Perhaps it is ‘hidden’ by ‘busy-ness’?
By our lack of time spent in contemplation and meditation?
After all, how can we become aware of that which is quietly growing and being prepared, if we are constantly surrounded by noise?
Expectancy is specific.
It is not hope.
It is fed by hope and faith.
It is fed by knowledge.
By knowing we do not live our lives at our own grace and we are not the Captains of the Ship.
Expectancy is awareness.
How good it is that 9 months precede the birth of our children?
It gives us time.
Precious time to prepare.
This is the gift of expectancy.
To get ready.
Moses had 40 years in the desert.
Josef had some time as a slave and in hail.
David had time as a rebel renegade gang leader.
Paul had time mending and making tents.
And so I hold on to my ‘expectancy’.
And I know what will be born.
And I know it is not too far off.
And I wait.
For that is what we do.
On Him Who is the Author.
For it is from Them that we receive.
And while I wait, I contemplate.
That I may be filled.
With love, happiness and peace.
And friendliness and goodness.
And while I sm being filled and enabled, that I will be emptied too.
Emptied of the inability which hounds our kind.
For soon, it will be born.
And then, I will have to be able to take responsibility.